HERE WE GO AGAIN #take100

Mary:)
Dec 4, 2018
5 min read

Updated: Nov 11, 2019

Dear Elizabeth,

I am writing today because while at an office desk after a wonderful Staff Christmas lunch. It was amazing; there was great food, engaging conversations and wonderful games. I loved it but I am left feeling horrible after it all. Don't get me wrong, I love people, loooove Christmas and Lord knows I love food but, I was on a fast and in the case you were wondering, no it wasn't over.

I had gone through the lines in my head of what I was going to say when people came and asked why I wasn’t eating, I had already prepared psychologically to not be bothered by anything or anyone and had even convinced myself that I wasn’t hungry. Looking back, I honestly think I really wasn’t hungry at all. I had it all figured out but when I was asked to go first and serve because I was new, I could not, or should I say would not say "Thank you very much but am not eating today". I just walked to the food station weighing in my mind and heart what to do. I chose to eat, so I ate and laughed and afterwards. What I knew would happen happened, that is I felt terrible about it and reenacted in my head how I would have better handled the situation because in my choosing food it meant forgoing something else because when we choose it means we had other options. In my case i chose food over time with Jesus. Smooth move.

We all at some point have things we plan and purpose to do…it could be breaking up with someone, quitting a job, dieting, going to the gym, proposing a plan, leaving home or sharing truth on how you really feel about something. And we always plan it down to the minute; what to say, what to do, great schedule, full proof plan. We even sometimes present it to God in prayer and it is sealed! Then somehow, when the time comes and the person, food, gym or phone is in front of us, we cave. We however always have very good ‘reasons’... ”He looked so happy, I couldn’t tell him”... ”She baked that cake from scratch’,I had to eat it”... ”The office has been so busy of late, I can’t just leave”.. Is it that we can’t do these things or simply choose not to. When we say we can not do something it signifies an impossibility. It would be correct for me to say I can’t fly (at least not yet, I really hope we get wings in heaven) but I would be lying to say I can not say no when offered a delicious cheesecake during my diet ..I just very consciously choose to have it with or without actively considering the consequences.

One time when I was sobbing over my first breakup;tragic story for another letter, I melodramatically called my mentor and asked if we could meet to talk cause apparently I couldn’t sleep-classic case of a broken heart. Slept like baby shortly after that call. However, we did meet the following day and I don’t remember much of the conversation but I remember him telling me that I can choose to be bitter or better. He taught me something he called the 3Cs. He said said in life we have Chances from which we make Choices and eventually get to face the consequences of what we choose. Contrary to popular belief, Consequences can be good. Then I had a chance between bitter and better...I made the choice to pick better cause between you and me, the consequences of picking better at the least meant forgoing being bitter.

Before I lose myself in the misery and hope of that day, I bring in the misery and hope of the present. I feel miserable to have failed not only myself, but God. I know God is merciful and He loves me the same but the more why I should always honour Him. I failed God in the sense I was to forgo a meal so as to connect deeper with Him…a choice over earthly good for heavenly better as someone once put it. I failed myself because I promised myself to not eat up until 6:00pm. Now we may not be vowing to fast but on a daily we make commitments with ourselves and by far these are the ones we fail most because we have no second party holding us accountable. Accountability partners;people who we ask to keep tabs on us with regard to a particular course are great and they do help but we also need to be accountable for our own selves. This requires partnership with self control and her cousin self discipline. We do not wake up suddenly with either one and Lord knows they grow one step forwards after a long time then once we fail and we feel as if we made 50 steps back but God is reminding us He is the one who’s keeping score as illustrated by one of my favorite pastors;Steven Furtick. He’s counting each step forward and you have made a couple of those.

It sucks a lot when you planned to hit the gym and didn’t , when in that bad relationship one day too long, never hit send on that text or email or you keep suffocating at work..but to mention a few common situations. However, the truth is “you can!”. You know it, I know it...God for certain been aware of that fact. It is uncomfortable, sometimes even physically painful but worth it. There is not one story that someone does the good thing they were meant to do and at the end of it they go like “I should not have freed myself from that prison, prison was wonderful”..cause these are prisons..prisons made out of different fears; fear from the unknown, fears of failure, different desires to please those around us ,desires to gratify our flesh, different temptations and so on. My choosing food was more out of some strange form of fear and choosing it may have made for fairly awkward conversations or feeling out of place, but only for a while. Same case for you, It may for a while seem like a bad decision when your start to miss the relationship, are out of work way longer than you expected or are at the same weight 3 months later..but in due time, we will be glad we stepped out.

I don't know what you need to take a shot at, I know am starting this fast all over again tomorrow even more ready for intimacy with God. There are things that I took years to get around like being tidy ( my bedroom recently graduated from dungeon to a serene living space). The beauty was that each new day presented a chance to try again , this time with lessons learnt from the previous try or even previous multiple tries. more experience right?Whatever it is you need to get back at, do it. It takes time and we will fall but we will get back up again and am here cheering you on. So put down your half eaten cake,you’re on a diet, go to the gym, you still have 5 days on your monthly subscription, share with your relative that "yes, those comments do hurt", follow your passion even if everyone thinks there is no money in that field… and most importantly remember your greatest cheerleader :